The way it was meant to be
by Icantgetenough
Summary: When Olivia finds out Brian is what she needed but isn't what she wants will she be able to start once again
1. Chapter 1

Olivia couldn't say why but she felt like something was missing. She and Brian were going through the motions. Olivia enjoyed his company, when there was a time they could get together. He was there for her after Lewis and she felt like she owed him something. Brian did make her start to feel whole again but after she thought she was pregnant and she was overjoyed he wasn't it made her start to think.

She had wanted to be a mom as long as she could remember. When she started in SVU she put those hopes on hold. Now she realized that time was slipping away. A few years ago she tried to adopt but who was she kidding. She saw the denial letter and cried every evening for a week after that. Elliot had been kind to her during that time and told her to try again but she was afraid of denial once again.

She hadn't had time to discuss adopting a baby because as always she and Brian both were on a complete opposite schedule. She felt her heart hurt for the joys of a baby, but she also knew that it would mean the possibility of leaving the child an orphan for the 2nd time. She could see why she had been denied but it was as if everyone around her had children. Elliot with his beautiful children that he would do anything for. Her new partner Nick had wonderful little girl and all she wanted was a baby of her own.

Olivia felt even more pressure because she almost felt like she was a motherly figure now to all of the squad which made her feel older than what she was. She knew she shouldn't do this on her own but be damned this was grating on her so heavily so she decided she would call in a personal favor.

Olivia already had to drop off a few case notes to Raphael Barba. She had to admit he has been her favorite ADA since Alex. He was quick witty and he did a good job. He took everything to heart which was something he was still learning to get over. Olivia hated asking him a favor but, she knew he would help her. She didn't want to use him but Raphael had apologized several times for not getting Lewis the maximum sentence. Olivia was hoping as a friend he would help her out.

Olivia lightly tapped on his door.

Barba opened it smiling when he saw Olivia.

"Well Sgt. Benson herself, don't you have detectives for your dirty work?" He questioned.

Olivia laughed and pushed the folders into his chest. "actually this is more personal than business she whispered."

Raphael looked into her eyes he could read her and she was slightly hurt."

"That son of a bitch what did Cassidy do?" Barba ask as he slapped his hand on the desk.

His nostrils flared and he had a horrible grimace in his face. He felt protective of her.

"NO, Barba, this isn't exactly about him."

Raphael Barba knew he didn't read her wrong but was waiting for her to continue.

"Well I was sort of looking for some legal advice and I know it's not your forte but I was looking into adoption laws."

"Does Cassidy know?" Raphael ask.

"Not yet, it's sort of a sore subject right now." She said as she looked down at the desk her eyes filling with tears.

Barba took his hand lifted up her chin.

She looked at him and she felt like an idiot. She never cried not in front of anyone but here she was in front of Raphael Barba and he was treating her with such care.

"I'm sorry I just…" Olivia said standing up and getting ready to go.

"Hey, Olivia I know you're a sergeant now but you're still allowed to show some emotion." Barba said. "Just tell me what you need."

At this Olivia just sat on the floor and cried, Raphael sat down with her in front of the door and held her as she cried. She tried to calm down as Raphael was soothing her by touching her arm.

Olivia collected herself. "Thank you but that's not why I came here she said as she lightly laughed. Raphael smiled at her and as they still continue to sit in the floor Olivia told him everything.

Olivia went into details she wasn't sure why but she was so comfortable with Raphael maybe because they were friends but he had always been different with her. He has respected her admired her. He was close to her in age and he always commanded control, much like she did, he made her feel safe. When the case was tried he helped her. They went through the details he was the only one who knew all the details, and he would be the only one who ever knew except for William Lewis himself.

She started telling him the story. "After the trial for weeks I couldn't sleep and there Brian was with open arms comforting me, when he was home. There were so many nights though that he wasn't there and I just couldn't sleep. I was so afraid that something would happen. Finally Brian realized and made sure he was home every night and things got pretty normal. I guess both of us just wanted to go back to normal so I would go to work he would go to work, someone would order take out then we would go to bed. It took about 3 months before I would really let him touch me again. He was so gentle at first and he never did anything at all wrong but I wasn't ready and I said nothing, I just had sex and I couldn't feel a thing." Olivia took a breath and forgot who she was talking to for a moment when she looked in Raphael's eyes they were pleading for her to continue.

"I was just hoping maybe one day things would be normal, but then shortly after we started getting back to normal I felt so tired and sick to my stomach. I thought I was pregnant. I was so happy, I have wanted a baby since…. Since I saw how my old partner Elliot was with his kids. When I realized I could be a cop and a mom. I never had a relationship long enough to think of having a baby. A few years ago I applied to be an adoptive parent but with no strong family support and my hectic schedule they denied me. When I thought I was pregnant I just had this whole new life planned out. With Brian being a proud daddy and I could be home at night being Sergeant now. I was so excited I ran down to the drug store before work and grabbed a pregnancy test. I was so unsure how Brian would feel so I took it at the precinct. It was negative. I went home and told Brian he was relieved. I understood how he could feel that way, were getting to old for that, for babies but the more I thought the more upset I became. It's what I've longed for, for so long. Then we had that case with 3 children that literally no one could account for including a little baby. A tiny perfect baby. Then I had to go to the family court and say how nobody wanted him, as well as those 2 broken little girls and I just I want to be mom Raphael." She said the last part whispering. Then barley audibly she said "Cassidy doesn't want this."

Raphael let her story sink in. She had through so much and he knew for sure he could never be as strong as her. There was no way he could deal with that. For the most part Raphael had what he wanted except a beautiful women and family, but this job really didn't allow time for things like that.

"You just told me not 5 minutes ago he didn't know you were doing this, maybe he wants to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom." Raphael said trying to get her to think in that way.

"No, we haven't talked about it, but the reason why is because he's already made it clear that babies weren't his thing."

"Liv are you sure you're ready to leave him behind?" Raphael ask.

"No." Olivia quietly said.


	2. The way it started to be

Hey guys thanks for reading the first chapter, I really like Barba and Benson together. I always like odd parings so… I will say that this is a slow chapter and the next one will have a little more story line. I will admit I'm the world's worst at reviewing fan fiction, but I would love it if you did. I do have issues with finishing stories in a timely matter so please bear with me ( I hate when people do it I'm a hypocrite I know!) I hope you all enjoy, I will admit I'm unsure where I am going with this.

It has been 2 weeks since Olivia talked to Raphael. He just got all the paper work and laws on how the best way for her to apply for adoption. Olivia hated that she was right when she told Raphael Brian would not approve. They both knew after that conversation, they were over. Olivia couldn't help but cry in the living room that night with a bottle of wine. Brian came to comfort her.

"I'm sorry we're not on the same page, but I want you to, I do love you and I don't resent you for this decision." Brian said.

"Thanks Bri… I'm going to miss this." Olivia said. Brian held her on the couch

They comfort each other one last time that night.

Olivia went into the squad room with a weird since of being. She felt free to do what she wanted, have children but she felt lonely Brian was the first man in a long time that let her be her. She needed someone like Brian but it's not what she wanted she wanted a child. She knew no matter what until she had a child SVU came first so she looked at the cases and reviewed there work, it had been a very slow day until Raphael Barba came through the door.

"Rollins please tell me that you guys got something on the Littleton case."

"Sorry, got nothing." She responded.

Raphael gave her a look and went toward Olivia's door. "We need to talk about the Littleton case." Barba said as he walked through the Captain's office.

Olivia jumped as he walked through the door.

"Sorry" Raphael said.

"It's okay what do you need?"

"I need you to know that I have to get someone anyone that places Shawn Myers at place of the crime." Barba says.

"I know but you have his DNA and Carol says that she said no."

"I know Liv, but you know she already said yes to him once it's not going to look good to jury if she said yes just two days before."

"I know, were looking at surveillance at the club."

"On another note how are you?" Raphael ask.

"I'm okay I'm um, apartment hunting." Olivia said an odd tone.

"Is that a good thing?" Barba ask.

"Well I guess it will be it just hurts a little right now and so awkward staying with him until I find a new place."

"Come stay with me I have a spare room you can hang out until you find a new place." Raphael smiled.

"I don't know won't that look bad?"

"I believe Nick Amero stayed with you just a month ago?" Raphael stated.

"While I was still with Brian." Olivia shot back

"Believe me it made more talk than I'd care to admit." Raphael said.

Olivia blushed a little.

"He stayed on the couch." Olivia said

"Okay, whatever you say Captain." Raphael Said.

Olivia smiled at him as he joked around.

"Just trust me I'm an ADA I can keep a secret." Barba said.

Olivia smiled oh she knew the weight on his shoulders; it was way more than anyone should have to have. Olivia let out a sigh.

"Don't tell a soul, it could mess a lot up, let Jack McCoy know make sure it's okay. I have someone else I need to okay this with." Olivia said seriously.

"Okay deal, see you tonight." Barba said smiling.

Olivia got home and saw Cassidy on the couch with a beer in his lost deep in thought.

"Hey." Olivia said.

Brian couldn't help but give her a sad smile. "Hey."

"I wanted to let you know I'm going to stay with Barba a few nights until I can figure something out." Olivia said.

"Are you sure that's appropriate Liv?" Brian ask.

"No, I'm not sure that it is but I just need some space, I'm sorry Brian."

"I know, I'm sorry too. But I do want you to know if you need anything."

"I know, I wish this was different." Olivia said.

"Me too." Brian sighed.

"It's weird just saying goodbye." Olivia said.

"Please tell me we're still okay, I need to keep a few friends even if it is my ex and her coworkers." Brian said.

"Always, Brian I love you, I'm just not in love with you." Olivia walked up to him and gave him a hug."

"I'll see you soon." Olivia said. And with that she headed to their room grabbed most of her things and walked out simply saying "bye."

Olivia drove toward the coordinates Raphael gave her and became confused as she started driving out of the city. Olivia's final destination was Riverdale. He didn't live where the huge mansions where by any means but in a modern house right off the exit. It was square with large windows and all Olivia could do was shake her head.

Olivia knocked on the door looking around. Raphael answered the door. He smiled brightly at her. Olivia smiled back as she glanced into his house seeing the open floor plan and stepped in as she took in deep a breath, 'this was it' she thought.

"Thanks for letting me stay it will just be a few days."

"Olivia, you can stay as long as you can put up me."

Olivia smiled as she looked more into the home. It wasn't what she expected but as she looked around the home it was exactly Raphael. It has big book cases filled with law books. There was a black leather couch next to the fire place and above it was a large flat screen tv. The kitchen was in the back corner with marble countertop and a small bar with various drinks. His décor was random pictures and a few paintings of the ocean.

"So not what you were expecting?" Raphael ask

"No." was all Olivia could say.

"I'll help you with your stuff the rooms are right this way.

Raphael ran up the steps with bag Olivia brought in with her.

"This is the room."

Olivia walked into the bedroom with a queen size mattress a small dresser and night stand. It was bigger than her and Brian's bedroom. There was no décor, but she didn't expect there to be she was his guest after all.

"thank you." Olivia said quietly.

"You're Welcome; dinner is ready if you're hungry."

"Well if I knew I would be treated this way maybe I should have come to stay a lot sooner." Olivia said.

Raphael just smirked at her and headed back down the stairs.

"Bathroom is on your right." He yelled from the bottom of the steps.

Olivia shook her head how did he know?

Olivia went into the bathroom and washed her hand she looked at herself in the mirror. She could help but wonder how she ended up here. She knew she could go to anyone's home Hell she was sure even though they don't see each other much anymore Kathy and Elliott would allow her to stay few nights with them, but no here she was with a man she barely knew a year ago and really can't say she learned much in the past months he had been with him.

Olivia went to the table to see a steak dinner plated on the table for her.

"Raphael, you really didn't have to do all this."

"I know Olivia I wanted to though."

I feel like you should know that I have been looking for places and I just needed time away from Brian. I appreciate that you're letting me stay here. I couldn't be there one more night."

"Please stop saying thank you, I know that you haven't had the best times lately. I don't care if you're her for 2 days or 2 years. Just as long as you're okay, Benson." He talked on her last name because he really didn't mean to say half of those words out loud. She had a tendency to turn his filter off when she was around.

Olivia smiled and enjoyed her steak. She then helped clean the dishes and went to 'her room' to unpack. She looked through the stuff she brought tired of moving it once again. She sat on the bed and thought how many ups and downs she has had through the year. She and Brian found each other once again which the high note of the year was. She had become the victim which will haunt her the rest of her life. She was afraid to death that William Lewis would find her and finish what he started the second he got out. Brian was there for her after her torture never once did he push her to do anything. He was an amazing man when she came to think about it and for a good half hour she sat on the bed pondering running back to him. Brian had been so good for her and too her but thinking about what got them together reminded her of why they broke up. She wanted a baby more than anything and that's not what he wanted. Olivia was sure if she asked long enough he would give in but she couldn't do that to him.

Olives unpacked her stuff and saw the forms for adoption. She knew that she couldn't even fill out a form until she had a place of her own. She sat on the bed tears going down her face but she refused to cry. She was done with the tears for herself. She wiped them angrily away. She looked at the clock it was 8pm. Only 2 hours ago she walked through the door for the first time.

Olivia opened the door and went down the steps, Raphael was watching a basketball game while also reading the paper. When he noticed Olivia come down the steps he imediatley put the paper down.

"Is there anything you need?" Raphael ask.

"Oh no I just to be honest I don't know what to do." Olivia said.

Raphael looked at her not knowing what to do either.

"I think I might just go to bed I'm going in early tomorrow anyways."

"Of course you are." Raphael laughed."

"Hey, I don't do it every day!" Olivia said.

"If you insist, have a goodnight."

"Thanks."

Olivia went up to the room and lay down. She couldn't help but notice the bed felt empty without Brian's presence. She shuffled for about an hour before finally drifting to sleep.


	3. On the Job

Hey guys thanks for all your favorites and reviews. This is a short post though. I know how I'm going to start the net chapter but I'm unsure how the ending will be. I hope to figure it out soon and let you guys know. The middle is the hardest part.

Rafael woke startled by a scream. It took him a second to realize it was Olivia in the next room screaming. Rafael ran over to see Olivia screaming out in fear. Rafael tuned on the light and screamed out her name. Olivia instantly awoke scurrying to the head of the bed her hands securely wrapped around her legs. She had no tears coming down her face but they were threatening to fall. She looked up at Rafael but the words she wanted to say wouldn't come to her.

Rafael was unsure what to do, of course they had there moment a few weeks ago but that was in his office not in his guest bedroom at 2am. The scene made him nervous so he took a deep breath and put on his lawyer face.

"Olivia, are you okay?" Rafael ask.

"I'm fine, I'm so sorry." Olivia began.

"Don't be, do you need anything? Does this happen often?"

"I'm fine, and I haven't had one of these dreams in a while I'm… I guess I'm used to Brian being here," and with that tears fell from her face. She hated needing someone anyone but in the very back of her mind she wondered if she should have left. He had been so good to her.

Rafael took a deep breath. He hated Brian, he knew he shouldn't, Brian did nothing wrong. Actually it was really great of him to say he didn't want a kid instead of just going with it and leaving when things go too hard. But Olivia had so much hurt already and Brian just added to it. Rafael walked toward the bed and sat on the edge.

"Rafael, I'm sorry you can just go back to bed."

"You and I both know that's not going to happen. Why don't we just sit here?"

Olivia awkwardly moved over to allow Rafael in the queen size bed he sat up with his legs crossed and Olivia did the same.

"Let's see if something is on shall we?" Rafael ask.

Rafael went through the channels and landed on Bar Rescue.

"Is this okay." Rafael ask.

"Yeah this is fine" Olivia said.

Both of them stayed up watching almost 3 episodes, Olivia was out first due to just being exhausted. Rafael was unsure what to do he wasn't touching her so hopefully she wouldn't notice the weight shift. Rafael got out of the bed and went back to his trying to sleep but got angry. He was angry at a lot of things. For one he was upset at himself for not getting Lewis the first time. He was mad at Rollins for even bringing him to begin with. He was mad at the time it took Olivia to get away from Lewis. He wished more than anything all of that never happened. His anger boiled over as he thought about various cases where the bad guys won. He quickly could see why ADA's never lasted long with SVU. It was a lot of personal stress.

Rafael finally fell asleep restlessly. It felt like he just fell asleep when his alarm went off at 6:30.

Olivia woke up at 7:00 feeling a little bit better compared to the 2 am wake she had with Rafael. She took a deep breath in and looked around for Raphael, Olivia could hear him in his room and she gently knocked.

Rafael went to open his bedroom door he had his pants on and a white t-shirt. Olivia had to smile at him.

"I just wanted to know is the bathroom clear, and what your usual plan is in the morning." Olivia said.

"Well the bathroom is clear, and usually I get dressed watch a little morning News and make it out of here by 7:30 but I'm running behind." Rafael smiled.

Olivia smiled okay, Well I have to be in today at 9 but I will be back here God knows when."

"Just call me I have no idea where I'll be and I've lost my spare key. I'll make sure you have a place to come too.'' Rafael said.

Olivia got ready and locked the door behind her seeing Rafael was gone. She drove into the city and parked in the garage ad made it right on time. She got a bunch of stares for being "late" she walked into the office got a coffee and her phone rang.

"Benson," Olivia answered.

This is Sargent Gables I need you and some of your detectives on 124 15th street pronto there is a mess and I'm going to SVU to help." He said sharply before hanging up the phone.

Olivia was confused but she, Nick and Fin went out on the call.

Olivia got to a police officer who was young.

"Oh thank you SVU detectives, I have a case here, I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. This Mrs. Larky she is with the division of human resources, she was here to see this family on a routine home visit when the family pulled guns. Our police officer Jordan Lee went with her but got shot in the arm right in a vein and passed out. Mrs. Lark thought quickly and grabbed the police officer's gun. They didn't shoot at her but the 5 year old and 8 year old witnessed the whole thing." Captain Anders explained.

Olivia took a deep breath this wasn't going to be a long case but these children will need counseling for sure. Mrs. Larky was very shaken up and CSU come into the apartment building to collect evidence. The police officer was injured and Mrs. Larky did fire a shot at the wall intentionally missing anyone. Mrs. Larky was taken back to the precinct to be interviewed.


	4. A new case

Okay I'm going to rant about the last 2 episodes of Law & Order… SPOILERS in the first paragraph here, What the hell was that…. I mean this is my dream world, this story is I love but. (I know the show isn't real either but still) I want Brian and Olivia to be together, she needs something to go right for her. I love you and then a kiss on the forehead, really. THEN LEWIS the ultimate psyco but no one was there to see it then Olivia's career is ruined. Let me know what you all think or feel. Sorry I haven't updated anything in a while everything in life is all of wack right now.

Olivia was sitting in her office as Fin and Amanda interviewed the worker. Olivia was so tired, she just needed a few days off for herself. She never would do that though there was too much work to be done. Which brought her back to the child she still so desperately wanted. Olivia thought about how everything was going in her life. She had a pile of work, she still never scheduled a time to get to Brian's to get the rest of her things. She hadn't even started looking for a place to live. She had pile of utter chaos on her desk. At this rate she may just live with Rafael Barba the rest of her life.

Fin and Amanda came back to Olivia's office to tell then what they knew about the case.

"Mrs. Larkin says that she was there because the CPS had several complaints on the family." Fin said.

"and CPS had been to the house 4 previous time. This time was s surprise visit after the family's phone was disconnected. Mrs. Larkin said that the family got dangerous after the police officer found a meth lab what appeared to be a large quantity of cocaine." Amanda said.

"Great something Vice will handle, is there any reason we need to be involved?"

"I don't think so Liv." Fin said. "The children are being placed in foster care." 

"Let her know Vice will be in contact." Olivia said.

Another 2 children going to foster care, maybe getting to go home with a family. It was like all these children needed someone and no one was there. Olivia knew the way her live was going now she would be neglecting a child if she chose to adopt one now. She could not wait to get some help in the office she was going to lose it if she didn't get some sleep. She was done with the whole day already and wasn't even 3 pm. Olivia locked the door and closed her blinds. She grabbed a stack of paper work she was sure was weeks behind and started reading and signing in the appropriate places.

Olivia was just filed her last piece of paper at 10:15pm. She was exhausted and walked slowly up to the crib. She typed out a text. "Don't worry I'm at the crib." And hit send to Barba's phone.

Rafael was stuck at the office still when he got her text. H knew the crib was probably more like home to her than his home was but still didn't like the fact she, and the other detectives slept where they worked. Rafael quickly texted back "Okay, see you later then."

Rafael looked down at case he was about prosecute it was on a David Hughs. He was 22 and it was going to be a hard case to try. The crime was 1st degree Rape on an Angela Lina. Angela was 20 and claims that she was drunk. Of course David says she wasn't drunk and it was consensual. Angela had bruising and went to the ER the morning after.

Rafael was unsure how it would play out so he went over every detail hoping to find something but nothing was there. He hated to think it but he knew the jury would most likely come back not guilty.

The case came and went of course not guilty came back Rafael knew it would. He was mad but knew he shouldn't be he knew this was how the case would go but the second he walked out of court Olivia was grabbing him out of the court and into the precinct for a new case.

A middle age man was found dead in his home in queens. He was in his computer chair slumped over in a pile of blood. Rafael was unsure how this was an SVU case until Olivia mentioned the large thin vase that was shattered inside his rectum. Man's name was Richard Powers he never had a speeding ticket his finger prints were in the system because he was a liquor seller in the mid 2000's but became disabled in 2008.

They had no leads on who did it the only other person who was in the home was women that claimed to be his wife her name was Tina Powers. She had obvious mental disabilities. She knew Richard was dead and she was morning but she would say nothing of what happened. She thought he was hurt and tried calling 911 but couldn't dial the phone. Finally when her sister called Tina, Tina told her what happened and police came to the home shortly after.

Tina said that there was no one mad at her husband he had become a hermit after becoming disabled and disconnected from everyone. All he would do was go online and play poker. When Tina ask if he was playing real money she said she didn't know. They took the computer and looked at the house for forced entry but nothing.

Tina said that there daughter would no more information about Richard so she was the next place to go. When they arrived at her home in upstate New York she appeared shattered her husband holding her for dear life as she screamed out in pain learning of her father's death. It took over 20 minutes before Sarah would calm down as her Husband rocked her like a child.

Sarah told Olivia and Rafael that her dad was should have more enemies then he really does. He was a good man for the most part but she did admit he had quite a temper and was verbally abusive to her mother for several years. Family knew how he was but said nothing about it. Sarah said that her mother was telling the truth about being a hermit. The only time he would ever go out was to the grocery store or to visit Sarah and her husband.

Sarah said he would play many poker games but never could afford to play for real. He made a lot of friends on social media sights but he was a bit fake about them and didn't think he really knew anyone except for long lost family who lives in Virginia. Sarah was uncomfortable with the details of her father's death and was unsure who did it.

Then all of a sudden Sarah's face lit up. I know this is a long shot and might not have anything to do with anything but, when I was a kid CPS came to my school. Everything was dismissed but the report talked about my mom being disabled and that she couldn't stop my dad from raping me. It wasn't true he never even touched me. I have no idea who would say that or why and it was long ago.

Then Olivia went back to the precinct hoping to work with Fin on the case and letting Rafael to get back to work with the crime scene fresh in his mind.


End file.
